John
Are you alright there love?
Nuala
Trying to get shot of me already I see.
John
I’m trying to get you comfortable.
Nuala
Likely story.
John
There’s a jug of water there, do you want me to pour you a glass?
JOHN TURNS AWAY AND IS MET BY FATHER BRIAN
John
Father
Nuala
Better for seeing you
John
(IN A HUSHED VOICE) You’ll have to excuse her Father, she’s a little drunk.
Father
Completely understandable, it’s a big day.
John
I didn’t know you were a family friend of Joe’s parents.
Father
Yeah, and my parents knew their parents, so it’s all good.
John
Well it was a lovely service Father; Nuala and I were just commenting on it.
Nuala
Liar, it’s confession for you.
Father
Thanks, I do try and put the effort in on these big occasions. (ASIDE) May I ask and please tell me if I’m intruding. I’m long enough in this community that I should probably know but what’s Nuala’s need for the wheelchair?
John
We honestly don’t know but we think psychological. Her brain is telling her she can’t walk when she always could. There was no accident or anything like that, it’s very sad.
Father
It is. How long has she been in the chair?
John
Six years.
Father
Oh my God.
John
We’ve tried everything, different medications, different specialists but nothing has worked. We still hold out hope for a cure but it’s looking more and more unlikely.
Father
Ah God love her; it must be tough?
John
It is. Mary has been a great help and there’s been struggles but we manage.
STEVE INTRODUCES JOHN’S SPEECH
Steve
Moving swiftly on. Thanks Father. Now I’d like to call on another father, the father of the bride, John.
John
I’d like to first off, welcome Joe into the family.
APPLAUSE
John
APPLAUSE
John
She’s definitely my favourite, there’s no debate there. She likes to stay in bed all day, and when she does get up, goes back to bed late at night. She has an extensive collection of makeup ranging from dripping gold to Charlotte Tillberry.
Mary
It’s Tillbury.
John
If you are here Charlotte, I apologise profusely. She likes to keep fit. Listens to podcasts and does Pil-ates?
Mary
Pil-at-ays.
John
Pilates sorry, another mistake there. When searching for the perfect quote to finish on, I settled on Mary’s idol and someone she sees twice a week, don’t be jealous Joe. Mary has always been generous. Generous with her time, her love, she’s always looked out for Nuala and me. So here goes, you’ll love this Mary.
John
‘No greater gift there is, than a generous heart’.
John
(CONTINUED) Do you not recognise it?
Mary
No, it’s lovely, who said that?
John
Yoda.
John
(CONTINUED) Every Tuesday and Thursday…
Mary
Dad, that’s yoga!
John
Yoga?
Mary
Yes.
John
Is he a different fella?
Mary
No! Yoga is not a fella, it’s an exercise.
John
Ah for feck sake, it took me ages to settle on that quote.
JOHN IS A BROKEN MAN, NUALA IS MORTIFIED BESIDE HIM.
Nuala
Oh my God.
Mary
Dad, it was lovely, it’s just we don’t have any connection to Star Wars.
John
(SITTING) What’s Star Wars?
STEVE TAKES THE MICROPHONE
Steve
Hey John, I’ve made mistakes too. Sometimes people just try too hard. It’s not a mistake to make a mistake but it’s a mistake to repeat the same mistake.
John
Thanks Mr Hallmark, not at all confusing.
Steve
Now I’d like to call on the father of the groom, Seamie.
Page 33
Paul
I’m going to the bar.
AT THE BAR
John
Hey Paul, did you know that Yoga was an exercise, not a person?
Paul
Yeah, of course.
Page 34
Maria
Sorry about that.
David
That’s ok. Listen, groomsman duties call, can I talk to you later?
Maria
Absolutely
John
NUALA ROLLS HER EYES
Joe
Good yeah, thanks for asking.
Mary
It is a little early into it though dad.
John
Well I hope there is one thing that getting married to my daughter hasn’t been overlooked Joe?
Joe
What’s that?
John
I am your father. Ha.
Joe
Ha, very Star Wars…
John
Huh?
Nuala
Good one Obi-Wan Can-Jokey!
John
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
DAVID WALKS TO EILEENS TABLE WHERE LISA AND VENUS ARE SITTING
Lisa
Are you alright David?
Steve
Eileen
Oh you don’t know?
Steve
What?
Eileen
I’ve to go…I’ve to go the toilet.
John
Eileen, did you know that yoga was an exercise, not a person?
Eileen
Eh, yeah!
Page 62
Johnny
But not everyone drinks Doreen.
Doreen
She won’t touch a drop of water! She has the barman round the twist.
EXIT DOREEN
John
Steve did you know yoga was an exercise, not a person?
Steve
Obviously.
John
Did you Johnny?
Johnny
Sure it has to be named after someone.
John
Exactly! Listen don’t worry too much about your speech Steve. You’re still young and might get another chance to do it, just maybe practice it more.
Johnny
Maybe you should concentrate on your own speech, Princess Leia!
John
I can’t even respond to that, I haven’t a clue what the hell you’re talking about.
Page 71
Seamie
So you got her to bed in the end?
John
I didn’t. I thought it was Mary.
Seamie
And it wasn’t?
John
No, I stopped by Mary’s room this morning and she said it wasn’t her.
Seamie
Who then?
John
I can only imagine it was your girls, I think they were all in the residents bar. I’ve no idea how they got her in and out of the lift and into the room with a flat tyre.
Seamie
Flat tyre?
John
Yeah.
Seamie
At least you got her to sleep it off then.
John
Oh no. She refused to get out of the chair.
Seamie
What?
John
She tied the belt around her and for the love of god, I couldn’t get it untied no matter what I did. She kept slapping my hands away when I went near it.
Seamie
So what did you do?
John
What could I do? I gave up. I was drunk and tired, so I just collapsed into the bed and didn’t wake until this morning.
Seamie
So she was just sitting in her chair all night.
John
No. When I woke she was in her jammies, tucked under the covers and snoring loudly.
Seamie
John
I know, and the mini bar had been raided.
Seamie
What? How the hell did that happen?
John
I’ve no idea, but I’ve been going over it in my mind and the only thing I can think of is that we were broken into.
Seamie
Someone broke into your room and raided your minibar?
John
Yeah.
Seamie
Untied your wife, changed her into her jammies and tucked her up in bed?
John
Em…yeah.
Seamie
And didn’t rob any money or valuables?
John
No.
Seamie
Real Good Samaritan robber that guy!
John
As I said I haven’t really thought it through yet…
Seamie
I bet you haven’t.
Steve
So any plans now since the job loss?
Page 74
JOHN APPROACHES JOE’S SISTERS.
John
Listen I don’t know how to thank youz for getting Nuala up to bed last night.
Myra
We didn’t.
John
Myra
No. When we left she was there with me mam and Mrs McGovern.
John
Oh, I see.
ENTER LISA AND EILEEN.
JOHN APPROACHES SARAH AND DOREEN.
John
How did you manage to get Nuala to bed.
Sarah
We didn’t. She refused to go when we were going. She let the air out of her tyre and tied herself up tightly in the chair.
John
She let the air out of her tyre?
Doreen
Yeah. The residents bar was closing shortly anyway, and the barman said he’d look after it, so…
John
OK thanks.
ENTER JOHNNY AND THE MANAGER
Steve
My dad lost his wallet. Was this area cleaned?
Manager
It would have been yeah. Leave it with me, I’ll check it out.
Johnny
Thanks
JOHN APPROACHES THE BARMAN
John
I just wanted to thank you for looking after my wife last night. I’ve no idea how you managed to get her to her room.
Barman
I didn’t.
John
What do you mean, you were the last one in the residents bar?
Barman
She wouldn’t budge. So I went to get security to give me a hand but when we came back she was gone.
John
So who helped her?
Barman
Don’t know, must have been a miracle.
John
Mircale!
Barman
Anyway, we got a pump, so she’s all sorted now.
John
Thanks a million, I’ll go and get her now. And sorry for all the hassle.
Barman
No problem at all.
Page 77
Sue
I’m joking, I’m joking. That sounds lovely.
Paul
Alright.
JOHN ENTERS PUSHING NUALA WHO’S WEARING DARK SHADES
Nuala
It must have been the girls.
John
It wasn’t the girls; it wasn’t the other ladies, and it wasn’t the barman.
Nuala
Well I don’t know but someone must have helped me.
John
And you let the air out of your own tyre?
Nuala
Don’t be ridiculous, it must have been a puncture.
John
But you’ve just had it pumped up and it’s fine.
Nuala
Must be a slow puncture.
John
Then you wouldn’t get into bed and the minibar was emptied.
Nuala
John
But what thief robs the minibar and leaves all money and valuables behind.
Nuala
It was obviously you then.
John
What?
Nuala
You’re very confused.
John
I’m confused?
Nuala
Well you’re asking me all these questions and you’ve no answers. You clearly came up, drank everything in the minibar and then put me to bed. You’re just remembering it wrong.
John
But then why do you have the hangover and I’m fine?
Nuala
For the love of god John, can you just stop asking me questions for five bloody minutes, I’m dying here.
John
Sorry dear.
Manager
If I could just have everyone’s attention for a minute. So far we’ve been notified as to a missing watch, wallet, phone and a glass of money. The hotel is also missing a fire extinguisher but that’s probably unrelated.
Page 88
Joe
With who?
Mick
All the girls.
Joe
So it’s not a date?
Mick
Eh, no.
John
The car’s broken, we won’t make it love.
Mary
But the bbqs in your garden dad, you wouldn’t have to drive.
NUALA MAKES A CALL IT OFF SIGN TO JOHN
John
Eh…eh…your mams not well. She was drunk most of the day and last night. She had to be dragged out of the residents bar as well.
Nuala
You were always a party pooper.
John
Party pooper? She ordered tomato juice with her breakfast this morning because she said it helped with a hangover.
Doreen
I think a tomato juice does help a hangover.
John
But there’s more in a Bloody Mary than just tomato juice.
Doreen
Oh.
Page 89
Nuala
Grand, nothing to report here!
SHE STRIDES BACK AND RETAKES HER SEAT IN THE WHEELCHAIR.
Eileen
I knew it!
JOHN GESTURES HIS HANDS AT THEM TO REMAIN CALM AND QUIET.
John
Let’s go home darling.
Nuala
Yes, thank you.
John
And we can have a talk.
Nuala
A talk?
John
Yes, a wheelie, wheelie long talk.