JOHN PUSHES NUALA INTO PLACE AT THEIR TABLE

John

Are you alright there love?

Nuala

Trying to get shot of me already I see.

John

I’m trying to get you comfortable.

Nuala

Likely story.

John

There’s a jug of water there, do you want me to pour you a glass?

JOHN TURNS AWAY AND IS MET BY FATHER BRIAN

John

Hello again Father, yes thank god. Did you recover from those photo’s?

Father

I’ve a pain in my jaw from the smiling. How are you Nuala?

Nuala

Better for seeing you

John

(IN A HUSHED VOICE) You’ll have to excuse her Father, she’s a little drunk.

Father

Completely understandable, it’s a big day.

John

I didn’t know you were a family friend of Joe’s parents.

Father

Yeah, and my parents knew their parents, so it’s all good.

John

Well it was a lovely service Father; Nuala and I were just commenting on it.

Nuala

Liar, it’s confession for you.

Father

Thanks, I do try and put the effort in on these big occasions. (ASIDE) May I ask and please tell me if I’m intruding. I’m long enough in this community that I should probably know but what’s Nuala’s need for the wheelchair?

John

We honestly don’t know but we think psychological. Her brain is telling her she can’t walk when she always could. There was no accident or anything like that, it’s very sad.

Father

It is. How long has she been in the chair?

John

Six years.

Father

Oh my God.

John

We’ve tried everything, different medications, different specialists but nothing has worked. We still hold out hope for a cure but it’s looking more and more unlikely.

Father

Ah God love her; it must be tough?

John

It is. Mary has been a great help and there’s been struggles but we manage.

STEVE INTRODUCES JOHN’S SPEECH

Steve

Moving swiftly on. Thanks Father. Now I’d like to call on another father, the father of the bride, John.

John

I’d like to first off, welcome Joe into the family.

APPLAUSE

John

I think two things are gonna work out just fine for Joe and me. I get to be taller than someone and Joe gets to look up to me every day. He’s got his head screwed on, and as Mary doesn’t, he’ll keep her on the straight and narrow. What can I say about my only child? Doesn’t she look great?

APPLAUSE

John

She’s definitely my favourite, there’s no debate there. She likes to stay in bed all day, and when she does get up, goes back to bed late at night. She has an extensive collection of makeup ranging from dripping gold to Charlotte Tillberry.

Mary

It’s Tillbury.

John

If you are here Charlotte, I apologise profusely. She likes to keep fit. Listens to podcasts and does Pil-ates?

Mary

Pil-at-ays.

John

Pilates sorry, another mistake there. When searching for the perfect quote to finish on, I settled on Mary’s idol and someone she sees twice a week, don’t be jealous Joe. Mary has always been generous. Generous with her time, her love, she’s always looked out for Nuala and me. So here goes, you’ll love this Mary.

John

‘No greater gift there is, than a generous heart’.

CONFUSED LOOK ON MARY AND JOES FACE

John

(CONTINUED) Do you not recognise it?

Mary

No, it’s lovely, who said that?

John

Yoda.

MORE CONFUSED LOOKS AND HEAD SHAKING

John

(CONTINUED) Every Tuesday and Thursday…

Mary

Dad, that’s yoga!

John

Yoga?

Mary

Yes.

John

Is he a different fella?

Mary

No! Yoga is not a fella, it’s an exercise.

John

Ah for feck sake, it took me ages to settle on that quote.

JOHN IS A BROKEN MAN, NUALA IS MORTIFIED BESIDE HIM.

Nuala

Oh my God.

Mary

Dad, it was lovely, it’s just we don’t have any connection to Star Wars.

John

(SITTING) What’s Star Wars?

STEVE TAKES THE MICROPHONE

Steve

Hey John, I’ve made mistakes too. Sometimes people just try too hard. It’s not a mistake to make a mistake but it’s a mistake to repeat the same mistake.

John

Thanks Mr Hallmark, not at all confusing.

Steve

Now I’d like to call on the father of the groom, Seamie.

Page 33

Paul

I’m going to the bar.

AT THE BAR

John

Hey Paul, did you know that Yoga was an exercise, not a person?

Paul

Yeah, of course.

Page 34

Maria

Sorry about that.

David

That’s ok. Listen, groomsman duties call, can I talk to you later?

Maria

Absolutely

John

(PUSHING NUALA FROM THE TABLE TOWARDS JOE AND MARY IN THE CENTRE OF THE ROOM) Hey guys, how is married life treating you?

NUALA ROLLS HER EYES

Joe

Good yeah, thanks for asking.

Mary

It is a little early into it though dad.

John

Well I hope there is one thing that getting married to my daughter hasn’t been overlooked Joe?

Joe

What’s that?

John

I am your father. Ha.

Joe

Ha, very Star Wars…

John

Huh?

Nuala

Good one Obi-Wan Can-Jokey!

John

What the hell is that supposed to mean?

DAVID WALKS TO EILEENS TABLE WHERE LISA AND VENUS ARE SITTING

Lisa

Are you alright David?

Steve

Yeah. You’re overdosing on Benilyn for Christ’s sake.

Eileen

Oh you don’t know?

Steve

What?

Eileen

I’ve to go…I’ve to go the toilet.

John

Eileen, did you know that yoga was an exercise, not a person?

Eileen

Eh, yeah!

Page 62

Johnny

But not everyone drinks Doreen.

Doreen

She won’t touch a drop of water! She has the barman round the twist.

EXIT DOREEN

John

Steve did you know yoga was an exercise, not a person?

Steve

Obviously.

John

Did you Johnny?

Johnny

Sure it has to be named after someone.

John

Exactly! Listen don’t worry too much about your speech Steve. You’re still young and might get another chance to do it, just maybe practice it more.

Johnny

Maybe you should concentrate on your own speech, Princess Leia!

John

I can’t even respond to that, I haven’t a clue what the hell you’re talking about.

Page 71

Seamie

So you got her to bed in the end?

John

I didn’t. I thought it was Mary.

Seamie

And it wasn’t?

John

No, I stopped by Mary’s room this morning and she said it wasn’t her.

Seamie

Who then?

John

I can only imagine it was your girls, I think they were all in the residents bar. I’ve no idea how they got her in and out of the lift and into the room with a flat tyre.

Seamie

Flat tyre?

John

Yeah.

Seamie

At least you got her to sleep it off then.

John

Oh no. She refused to get out of the chair.

Seamie

What?

John

She tied the belt around her and for the love of god, I couldn’t get it untied no matter what I did. She kept slapping my hands away when I went near it.

Seamie

So what did you do?

John

What could I do? I gave up. I was drunk and tired, so I just collapsed into the bed and didn’t wake until this morning.

Seamie

So she was just sitting in her chair all night.

John

No. When I woke she was in her jammies, tucked under the covers and snoring loudly.

Seamie

What the hell?

John

I know, and the mini bar had been raided.

Seamie

What? How the hell did that happen?

John

I’ve no idea, but I’ve been going over it in my mind and the only thing I can think of is that we were broken into.

Seamie

Someone broke into your room and raided your minibar?

John

Yeah.

Seamie

Untied your wife, changed her into her jammies and tucked her up in bed?

John

Em…yeah.

Seamie

And didn’t rob any money or valuables?

John

No.

Seamie

Real Good Samaritan robber that guy!

John

As I said I haven’t really thought it through yet…

Seamie

I bet you haven’t.

Steve

So any plans now since the job loss?

Page 74

JOHN APPROACHES JOE’S SISTERS.

John

Listen I don’t know how to thank youz for getting Nuala up to bed last night.

Myra

We didn’t.

John

Youz didn’t?

Myra

No. When we left she was there with me mam and Mrs McGovern.

John

Oh, I see.

ENTER LISA AND EILEEN.

JOHN APPROACHES SARAH AND DOREEN.

John

How did you manage to get Nuala to bed.

Sarah

We didn’t. She refused to go when we were going.  She let the air out of her tyre and tied herself up tightly in the chair.

John

She let the air out of her tyre?

Doreen

Yeah. The residents bar was closing shortly anyway, and the barman said he’d look after it, so…

John

OK thanks.

ENTER JOHNNY AND THE MANAGER

Steve

My dad lost his wallet. Was this area cleaned?

Manager

It would have been yeah. Leave it with me, I’ll check it out.

Johnny

Thanks

JOHN APPROACHES THE BARMAN

John

I just wanted to thank you for looking after my wife last night. I’ve no idea how you managed to get her to her room.

Barman

I didn’t.

John

What do you mean, you were the last one in the residents bar?

Barman

She wouldn’t budge. So I went to get security to give me a hand but when we came back she was gone.

John

So who helped her?

Barman

Don’t know, must have been a miracle.

John

Mircale!

Barman

Anyway, we got a pump, so she’s all sorted now.

John

Thanks a million, I’ll go and get her now. And sorry for all the hassle.

Barman

No problem at all.

Page 77

Sue

I’m joking, I’m joking. That sounds lovely.

Paul

Alright.

 JOHN ENTERS PUSHING NUALA WHO’S WEARING DARK SHADES

Nuala

It must have been the girls.

John

It wasn’t the girls; it wasn’t the other ladies, and it wasn’t the barman.

Nuala

Well I don’t know but someone must have helped me.

John

And you let the air out of your own tyre?

Nuala

Don’t be ridiculous, it must have been a puncture.

John

But you’ve just had it pumped up and it’s fine.

Nuala

Must be a slow puncture.

John

Then you wouldn’t get into bed and the minibar was emptied.

Nuala

But you said that was a thief. Other people had things go missing on them during the wedding.

John

But what thief robs the minibar and leaves all money and valuables behind.

Nuala

It was obviously you then.

John

What?

Nuala

You’re very confused.

John

I’m confused?

Nuala

Well you’re asking me all these questions and you’ve no answers. You clearly came up, drank everything in the minibar and then put me to bed. You’re just remembering it wrong.

John

But then why do you have the hangover and I’m fine?

Nuala

For the love of god John, can you just stop asking me questions for five bloody minutes, I’m dying here.

John

Sorry dear.

Manager

If I could just have everyone’s attention for a minute. So far we’ve been notified as to a missing watch, wallet, phone and a glass of money. The hotel is also missing a fire extinguisher but that’s probably unrelated.

Page 88

Joe

With who?

Mick

All the girls.

Joe

So it’s not a date?

Mick

Eh, no.

John

The car’s broken, we won’t make it love.

Mary

But the bbqs in your garden dad, you wouldn’t have to drive.

NUALA MAKES A CALL IT OFF SIGN TO JOHN

John

Eh…eh…your mams not well. She was drunk most of the day and last night. She had to be dragged out of the residents bar as well.

Nuala

You were always a party pooper.

John

Party pooper? She ordered tomato juice with her breakfast this morning because she said it helped with a hangover.

Doreen

I think a tomato juice does help a hangover.

John

But there’s more in a Bloody Mary than just tomato juice.

Doreen

Oh.

Page 89

Nuala

Grand, nothing to report here!

SHE STRIDES BACK AND RETAKES HER SEAT IN THE WHEELCHAIR.

Eileen

I knew it!

JOHN GESTURES HIS HANDS AT THEM TO REMAIN CALM AND QUIET.

John

Let’s go home darling.

Nuala

Yes, thank you.

John

And we can have a talk.

Nuala

A talk?

John

Yes, a wheelie, wheelie long talk.