This is us. (Holding up a piece of paper) Why
not give us the flyer on the way out?
SARAH
Yeah, on the way in seems pointless.
JOHN
Do you want any minstrels?
SARAH
No thanks.
JOHN
Do you even like minstrels, I never asked?
SARAH
They’re ok. But I don’t like mixing savoury and sweet. Might have one when I finish this popcorn.
JOHN
There mightn’t be any left, ha.
CON SARAH
CON JOHN
JOHN
I promise to keep you one.
SARAH
One?
CON JOHN
SARAH
Have you seen this movie before?
JOHN
No!
CON SARAH
SARAH
Oh I’m not accusing you of anything, it’s just it’s been out a while and you might have seen it already.
JOHN
Sorry, I didn’t mean to be so adamant. I haven’t seen it though.
CON SARAH
CON JOHN
JOHN
Did you enjoy the meal?
SARAH
It was lovely thanks, I’m absolutely stuffed.
CON JOHN
NOTE
Another couple come in and look around for seats. They see the only ones available are beside the first couple.
JOHN realises the girl entering, MARY, is his ex-girlfriend.
CON JOHN
NOTE
MARY sees JOHN
CON MARY
MARY
Hi John
JOHN
Mary, how’s it going?
MARY
Grand thanks. Here, you go on the inside Paul.
PAUL
No you’re fine, I want the legroom.
MARY
Ok.
CON PAUL
PAUL
That guy bothering you?
MARY
No, no everything is good.
PAUL
Sure? Cause I did karate.
MARY
God yeah, honestly.
SARAH
Who’s that?
JOHN
Eh…her names Mary.
SARAH
Not your ex, Mary?
JOHN
Em, yeah.
CON SARAH
JOHN
You’ve nothing to worry about though. I’m really happy to be here with you.
SARAH
You can be with her if you want.
JOHN
What? No.
SARAH
I don’t want you thinking I’m keeping you here against your will.
JOHN
No, god no. I wasn’t thinking that at all. Why are we fighting, she sat beside me?
SARAH
You want beef, go right ahead. But the steak is sitting right here!
JOHN
Steak? I don’t even know what we’re talking about.
BEAT
SARAH
Maybe I’m over-reacting, I’m sorry.
JOHN
No it’s ok, really it’s ok.
CON SARAH
PAUL
Did you enjoy your fries?
MARY
I did; they were nice fries.
PAUL
And what did you think of the burger?
MARY
I thought it was a little small, maybe I’m being picky, but just on the small side.
PAUL
I know I’m a grown man and I can’t put my finger on what it is but…I just love a good happy meal.
MARY
You definitely do.
CON MARY
PAUL
You’re more of a pizza/pasta kind of girl, I can tell.
MARY
Can you?
PAUL
Oh yeah.
MARY
I like all sorts really. If I had to categorise myself, I’d say all meals that come with vegetables or a side salad.
BEAT
PAUL
Don’t really get that in McDonald’s?
MARY
Oh yeah, hadn’t really noticed that…
CON MARY
JOHN
Are you ok?
SARAH
Yeah, just digesting.
CON SARAH
JOHN
I just thought you were fidgeting in your seat. Is the recliner button working ok for you?
SARAH
Oh no it is, thanks.
JOHN
You pay extra; you just want them to work.
SARAH
No it’s great, honestly I’m just so full.
CON SARAH
PAUL
So when you say meals with veg or side salad, what do you mean?
CON MARY
MARY
Oh anything really…
PAUL
Like what?
MARY
Maybe chicken Maryland or supreme of chicken or roast duck. Maybe roast beef or glazed ham. Lasagna with side salad and some nice coleslaw. Or fish or scampi with side salad. Maybe poached salmon with seasonal vegetables. Roast stuffed turkey & ham, roast leg of lamb or chicken Kiev. Maybe homemade burger with sauté onions and mushrooms. Maybe just a casserole. Anything really.
PAUL
Ok.
CON PAUL
MARY
Paul.
PAUL
Mmm?
MARY
I said do you go the cinema much?
PAUL
Nah, really only when I want to watch a movie.
CON MARY
NOTE
JOHN’S hand brushes MARY’S.
JOHN
God sorry about that Mary.
MARY
You’re ok, it was only an accident.
PAUL
Would you mind keeping your hands to yourself there pal, I do karate.
MARY
Paul, it’s fine. It was an accident.
PAUL
He’ll be havin’ an accident if he tries that again. (Pointing at himself) White belt karate student here.
JOHN
I wasn’t trying anything; my hand just brushed against hers.
PAUL
You don’t want my foot just brushing against your jaw pal.
SARAH
What’s going on?
JOHN
Nothing Sarah, just a misunderstanding here.
CON SARAH
JOHN
There’s no need to threaten any violence, I happen to know Mary very well.
PAUL
What are you trying to say? She’s not that type of girl.
MARY
What?
JOHN
I don’t mean like that.
PAUL
You bloody better not or I’ll go full Bruce Willis on your ass with my nunchucks!
JOHN
Do you mean Bruce Lee?
PAUL
Brutely!
MARY
John that smell is horrendous.
JOHN
It wasn’t me and isn’t a white belt the lowest possible belt you can get in Karate?
PAUL
And what’s your point? I’m only at it two years.
JOHN
I’m just asking, if I joined a karate club tomorrow, would I also be a white belt?
PAUL
Well…yeah.
MARY
What’s that smell?
PAUL
It’s him, he’s shitting himself.
SARAH
Could you please leave my boyfriend alone?
MARY
Boyfriend?
CON JOHN
SARAH
Yes, what’s wrong with that?
MARY
Well how long are you going out?
PAUL
Why do you care? Crap the pants boy here is trying to kill us with gaseous warfare.
JOHN
For the last time, I didn’t do it!
SARAH
You had your chance, now claws off!
MARY
Claws? Ha.
PAUL
What does she mean, ‘you had your chance?’
SARAH
He’s her ex-boyfriend.
PAUL
So you are that type of girl?
MARY
I am not that, or any other, type of girl.
PAUL
To think I bought you dinner…
MARY
You, think you bought me dinner.
PAUL
Sad.
MARY
Well at least you had a happy meal.
PAUL
Which do you kill first, the bear or the shark? The bear, because you walk on land. Good luck in the apocalypse.
MARY
What?
PAUL
Sad. Even the smell is sad.
SARAH
Don’t even think of looking at him.
JOHN
Thank you.
SARAH
He didn’t do it, I did.
JOHN
What?
MARY
What?
PAUL
What?
SARAH
I did. (Lifting her buttock again and farting).
SFX
SARAH
(CONT’D) There’s nothing wrong with flatulence.
BEAT
NOTE
The three stare.
BEAT
NOTE
Without looking away or flinching, JOHN lifts the flyer at the side of his seat and starts to fan his nose.
SARAH
Maybe I should go?
NOTE
JOHN nods.
CON JOHN
CON SARAH
PAUL
Well I’m not getting in the middle of this mangetout and I refuse to be anyone’s side salad. Goodbye. Fancy getting a takeaway sharing box of chicken nuggets?
SARAH
Oh that might be nice, just made a bit of room there.
SARAH
(CONT’D) Sorry.
BEAT
NOTE
EXIT SARAH and PAUL
JOHN
So…
MARY
So…
JOHN
That was weird…
MARY
Yeah. He brought me out to dinner…to McDonald’s.
JOHN
I bought her steak and she shat all over me.
MARY
Ha! Want to watch this movie again?
JOHN
Yeah. Maybe it will have a better ending.
MARY
I hope so.
JOHN
Minstrel?
MARY
Throw a few in on top of my popcorn, you know I love to mix.
